I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
