Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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