FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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