a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
