I didn't shave. On purpose
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
