Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I woke up under a house in Key West
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize