i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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