So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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