worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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