i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
