I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
