His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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