Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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