I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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