Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize