i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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