I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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