i permit you to call me
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
