Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
