I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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