This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
