I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
