I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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