if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
