There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize