The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
