New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
