Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
