giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize