It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
