Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
