I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
