There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
