i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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