so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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