She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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