If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We had sex on a dog bed..
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
