new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He? As in you personified your dick?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
