isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
