there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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