he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
