I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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