Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
