Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
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