I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
