i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
well you can't waste a boner
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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