dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I am mentally ready for anal.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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