I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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