I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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