A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
