i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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