Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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