I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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