Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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