i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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