Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
