I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
