i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
