I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We don't watch enough power rangers
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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