i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Im part way to drunk.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
