he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My life is pants optional.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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